I thought that I'd finally got over my self esteem issues (not professionally-diagnosed but self-diagnosed) when I managed to step out of the house just now with an almost clean face. I mean almost clean as in, foundation (sans loose powder), bronzer, mascara and gloss; and I felt good when I was getting ready till I had a final full length look at myself and realised I looked absolutely parched and hideous and obese.

I didn't go to church but instead spent my time in the library reading some stupid book but I didn't immerse myself as I ususally do when reading books cause I was having trouble concentrating. I felt as if everyone was watching me and secretly thinking to themselves how fat and ugly I looked.

Maybe I'm turning metal, I'm not sure. But I hate the way I look, why can't I look like her. She's pretty, has great teeth and everyone says that she's gorgeous. And the best part is, she's older than I am but looks way more mature.

Perhaps I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown, I'm not sure how am I going to hold for 3 full days without all my toiletries and makeup, I've become overly dependant and it's not a good thing. Before you know, I'm going to be some fat loser dropout bitch who stays at home the entire day, day after day, gorging on junk food and filling myself up with alcohol till I die of obesity or something.

I'm not ready for camp, physically or mentally. I can already imagine the toll it'd take on my body and mind and I'll be such a sight when I return.

I'm cutting back on alcohol and ciggies for awhile, I'm blaming them for my mini-relapse as I refuse to believe that I'm psycho.

Later,